The Stepfamily Connection of North Hills
Home About Us Information Corner Contact Us

Published: March 2008

Developing a Strong, Lasting Couple Bond

Stepfamilies lack the deep emotional attachments, biological ties, shared sense of family history, and common values that connect traditional families. In stepfamilies, it is the couple bond that serves as the glue to hold the two families together and helps to sustain the couple during the challenges of forming a stepfamily. It is difficult, however, to develop a deep meaningful relationship with your partner in the middle of the chaos of developing a stepfamily, parenting your children, dealing with a difficult former spouse, etc. Yet, the survival of the stepfamily depends upon it.

The development of a couple bond, which is based on love, mutual respect, and trust, takes a great deal of time and effort to cultivate. Commitment is a key ingredient to forming a lasting relationship. Taking the stance that we have to make this work and that no one will come between us is a good start. In addition, having a “no escape” clause will facilitate the developing of a strong bond because you are committed to staying together. Developing realistic expectations for you stepfamily is essential because marital satisfaction is based upon expectations. For example, if you expect that your partner is going to parent your children, you will most likely be disappointed. Children living in a stepfamily have two biological parents and do not feel the need for a stepparent. It is crucial, therefore, that the parent sets an expectation that the children need to respect the stepparent. The couple needs to form a parental alliance and become the leaders on the family. This does not mean that the stepparent comes in and takes over the disciplining of the children. Rather, the stepparent should try to befriend the stepchildren and support the parent in her efforts to discipline the children. Children respond more favorably to discipline when it comes from their parent. Over time, the stepparent may earn the right to play a more active role in disciplining the children.

Spending time together alone is also important to the development of a healthy couple relationship. You need to schedule at least one evening or afternoon a week to spend some couple time. If the children have shared custody, the time they are with the other parent is ideal for couple time. However, if you have full custody of the children, you need to make time for your spouse. The time you share with your partner should be pleasant and should focus on the two of you as a couple. Do not spend your precious time talking about the children, complaining about former spouses, or discussing problems that you are facing. Developing a “we” mentality will elevate your relationship to new heights. This means focusing more on your partner’s needs rather than your own. Although this sounds simple, it requires maturity, humility, and a generous spirit. For example, you may want to go to a movie on Friday night. However, your partner’s children are playing football on that evening. Because this means a great deal to your partner, it is important that you attend the game with him and his children. In turn, your partner should respond by making the time to take you to the movies on Saturday night because he knows that it is important to you. Until you build a relationship with your stepchildren, it is likely that you do things with your stepchildren because of your love for your spouse. This is another reason that the couple relationship is important and needs to be developed.

Good communication and conflict resolution skills are essential for developing a healthy couple relationship. If you do not know how to express your needs to your partner and be a good listener, it will be difficult to develop a close relationship. Additionally, you need to be able to solve problems, negotiate, and compromise in order to resolve conflict. If conflict remains unresolved, resentment and detachment will usually follow. Being respectful of your partner and developing trust are also necessary for building a close relationship. Trust does not develop automatically but rather takes time to cultivate. Being open and honest facilitates the development of trust.

These are some of the key ingredients to developing a strong, lasting couple bond with your partner. Yet, how do you develop these skills? One way is by attending a stepfamily group. You can obtain the information that is necessary to develop a strong couple bond as well as gaining support from others going through the same experiences as you. The Stepfamily Connection of North Hills can help you to overcome some of the challenges that you are facing in developing a stepfamily. Stepfamilies that attend support groups, read books on the subject, and/or attend counseling tend to have more success in developing a stepfamily than those who try to go it alone. We hope that you can join us at The Stepfamily Connection of North Hills in order to gain the skills that can facilitate the development of strong, lasting stepfamily relationships.